My usual Saturday start with usual routine. But this morning is different. I pretend I was happy. I pretend everything was ok. But I am not happy and not all are ok.
Akala ko, ok na ako. Akala ko na ok lang na maging manhid at isang tabi na lang ang lahat ng pangarap mo. May pagkakataon na dadating sa iyo ang panahon na mag iisip ka. Is it worth it? Is it worth to give up your dream sa lalaking alam mo na walang amour sa pangarap mo? Na oo, mahal ka niya pero sa totoo lang, hanggang doon lang iyon.
Nalilito din ako, akala ko na ok lang iyon, na kaya kong ibigay lahat at wag isipin iyong gusto ko talaga sa buhay ko. Na basta masaya ako, magiging ok lahat.
Hindi pala, you will still come to that point that you will start to think. You will start to weigh in which is really most important to you - pero paano mo naman gagawin iyon? Based sa mag papaligaya sa iyo?
Akala ko noong una, magkaroon ng kasintahan ang magpapasaya sa iyo. Ang lalaking aalagaan ka, papaligayahin ka will be enough, but bakit ganoon? The moment you achieved that you will ask for more? Tama na lang ba na maging kuntento ka sa ganoong relasyon?
Ang hirap maging babae. You will bear everything. Mag dadalang tao for 9 months and bear all those paglilihi, menstruation and lot more. Bawal manligaw (based sa culture na kinalakihan ko), you are not to proposed to your BF - which is soooo wrong.
Ako, ang galing ko mag payo, pero sa sarili ko I can't even apply it. Yes, this is all about pouring my heartaches away. Hindi ako makuntento and I keep asking for more.
I know ayaw niya ng pamilya at ayaw niya ng anak, na hinding hindi ako magiging misis nia. Which is my dream. I want to be A wife and a loving mum to a lovely children, but with him? It will never going to happen. Lahat iyon, I just swallowed and put everything at the deepest part of my brain. So i won't remember it. I won't think of my dream and It will not bother me at all.
Pero ngayong umaga, it just slip away. I was just too dumb to think everything about it. Na is it worth giving up your dream if you somehow knew that anytime soon, he can just walk out from your life forever? Na there is no security at all about what you have now with him?
Let me tell you something about him. He is a really good looking guy, very hot indeed. Happy person and jolly, tall and hunk. There will be no dull moment with him. I reckon i fall helplessly in love with him the moment I get to know how wonderful man he is, his family and friends. The downside is, ayaw niya ng pamilya, ng anak at ang pinaka sakit sa ulo - pagiging flirt niya sa halos lahat ng babae na umaaligid sa kanya. He's very accommodating specially sa mga babae. Which gives me so much pain in the ass. Or maybe, selosa lamang talaga ako. But whichever side he falls everyday, I always end up loving him still and end up thinking of every happy moments with him. Then last night again, usual thing happen. It then hit me na anytime, pwede niya ako iwan. Na anytime, the moment he have enough of me, he can just throw me like a hot rice that he puts in to his mouth and spit it away because he got burned.
Anyway I am giving myself another year. Another year to think this up. I am in the process of convincing myself that anytime he will leave me, and i will be again on my own. That whenever I reach to the point that I want something new to my life, fulfill my dream, I know he can't come with me and he will just let me go. I know it is coming soon. I need to be strong and prepare myself. I need to be just me and look things up optimistically.
So wish me luck.
M
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