Moving on Without you..

In the midst of the most perfect and fairytale-ish relationship, out of the blue comes a full stop. And I don’t even see it coming. One day, I'm just sitting on my bed, happily daydreaming about what my future with him will be like, and suddenly, I hit a wall. 

He looked serenely into my eyes, and for the first time, I can't detect even a drop of love from it.

You say that it’s not working anymore, and that you've been into a relationship for 10 years nonstop and now you want to stop, and that you want me to meet someone else, and you wants to move on without me.

And finally, after delivering the typical it’s-not-you-it’s-me and I’m-sorry, you silently walk away, leaving me all alone to pick up the pieces and start over.

And it hurts. It hurts like hell. The tears come and go, and yet the hollow feeling in my chest doesn’t. I feel forlorn, devastated, aghast, heartbroken and it just seems impossible that you are the one responsible for it!

My friends bring tissues, food and drinks. They talk to me, console me, hold me as I cry. But after a few days, even that will stop. They will assume I’m on my way to recovery that I’ll be all right. They’ll tell me stories of their break-ups and how they moved on, but that’s not at all what I want to hear.

They’ll never understand the heart-wrenching pain I’m feeling, as if the whole world has fallen apart.

And then I finally realise that I’m the only one who has to fight this battle. Moving on is one of the hardest things to do, especially when I constantly come across you enjoying life, on social media. But that’s when I have to realise that I need to move on.

I want to reach to the point that one morning, I will wake up and your face will not be the first thought that pops into my head. That I will eventually stop thinking of you, stop missing you... stop loving you...

It's not easy.. long process... and right now I can't bear this pain..

But when time comes that I'm already move on, I wish you realized what kind of treasure you just lost.....

A Week Without You

9th Day

It has been more than a week since the day you told me that you no longer love me. With that week i'm in total shit. I still message you, I still talk to you, I still miss you.

There are nights when i cant help but cry and i wonder why you have to leave me? Why did it have to end so soon? 

Tell me, Where did i go wrong? What did i do to make you change your mind? But if this love's not ours to have, I'll let it go with your goodbye...

I'm still hurting, even though I'm not crying anymore. I still miss you... All those stuff I told you, that i will stop and will forget about you and will move on with my life without you are all just lies. 

I still can't stop from loving you, from missing you, from wanting to see you, hug you and kiss you. I Just don't know how to stop. I just can't stop.

I was afraid this time would come, I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within. I have learned to live my life beside you and now you are gone....

I want to hate you, I want to hate you for letting me love you so deeply, for letting me fall deeply in love with you But I can't teach myself to do so. And there you are, just one day you woke up and doesn't feel the same way. I need you to tell me on how to do that? On how to just stop loving you. 

Unfortunately, I still keep praying for both of us though, for you to come back and love me again. That what you are feeling now is just a for a while and you will realized that you've lost the big part of yourself and that is me, that you will realized how much you love me after I'm gone - I know, I should stop this stupidity, this false hope, my own monster I am creating.

Stupid yes, but I really hope that if that time come, I am still there for you. Because I will not going to wait for your forever :'(

So now, Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight and if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again. I'll just keep on dreaming till my heartaches end... (T_T)

I Love You Goodbye

My Dearest Love,

Today is the day I realized that fighting my feeling for you is nonsense. I love you so much and I will always will and that will never change. But somehow thinking of you now is mixture of pain and happiness.

Pain because of the fact that I can't no longer be with you, that I miss you so much it hurts and I can't do anything about it. You let me go coz you don't love me the same as you loved me before. It hurt so much knowing that I'm the only one who's feeling this. I know that you care for me so much, but that is not what I want, what I need.. I need you..  

But why did you easily given this up? Why do you just let me go? Why? (T_T)

I believed it is possible to stay in love with one person for the rest of your life. It's by no means unrealistic to have a successful, very long term relationship and to be happy, not in the sense of hearts of flowers but in having a fulfilled life together. You will have good times and bad times, there will be heartaches and sadness and life will kick us in the teeth from time to time but this is normal and unavoidable.

It's the ability to cope together that is vital and to be with someone who not only understands you but who can let you be utterly yourself. 

I fell in love with you. And I can't help it. But staying in love? It is a choice to make and I choose to stay in love with you - it is indeed a choice. When I do starts to feel I'm losing it, I just go back to the very first memory I have with you and starts to think why did I fell in love with you at the first place? I will just realize that it is more happy moments than sad moment.

Today I choose to not to continue to love you. I choose not to stay in love with you. It is hard and difficult. I feel that letting you go the feeling is the hardest part and moving on without you is a damn suicide. But I need to face it. This is what you want and you keep on telling me this is for our best interest. 

I will do anything to make you happy, if this is what you want and if this is what will make you happy so be it.

Thanks again for everything, for all the memories for all the happy moments with you. There is no dull moments with you and I'm still blessed. I've met so many special and wonderful people because of you.

So after this, I will stop. To stop to think of you, to stop missing you and stop loving you.

I will not going to wait for you.. I will not going to hope that, you still love me and that what you feel now will still change and you will realized you still love me and will come back to me.. I will stop fooling myself anymore and  will stop having a false hope.

I will stop for the sake of stop. For the sake of myself. 

I love you good bye... :'(

Picking up the Pieces One by One

"I don't love you anymore like I used to do. The romantic love is gone."

The worst thing I ever heard for a long time. I know that you somehow changed, cold and not as very warm as before.

But I thought that in every relationship, it does happen naturally and all you have to do is to talk about it, think of alternatives, and do the best possible solution for the problem. But we ended up broken. You have your own path to cross and I'm forced to look at my own and be myself as you have left me behind now.

I have a very big heavy stone in my chest when I started packing my things. Looking around your apartment and saying goodbye to everything. Excruciatingly painful. No words can explain what and how I felt that day. 

I cried the whole day until I couldn't cry anymore. I am so tired and exhausted and missing you at the same time. It was the worst feeling ever. But I survived the very first day without you.

Then the next day I saw you. You hugged me, kissed me. It was so warmed and I just cried like a river. It was painful. I want to be with you but I can't. 

I've talked to my friends, makes myself busy and try to occupy myself like I'm the busiest person in Singapore. Someone told me, that pain is inevitable. That it is a part of grieving process. And I should accept that, I am going through this pain now and I'm ok with it. I will feel this pain but I will pass it.

Then Easter Sunday, You're so nice to give me a ride. We met and we kissed, but the kiss is not as warmed as before - a kiss to a friend. We talked and we laugh and I feel that you have put me into some kind of Special friend zone.

It hurt so much. But I accepted it. I tried to be strong and not to burst into tears. I looked at you, your face, your facial expression, your smile - your cheeky smile, everything, I miss it so much that i want to kiss your whole face. 

Today I realized that I lost the battle. That I'm no longer your girl. That I need to accept the fact that the person i loved before is no longer there. That you no longer love me and I should stop hoping that what is happening now to us is just for few days and one day you will wake up again and realized you made a big mistake and want me back again.

Sigh.. But truth really hurts. This is now and I need to face it. You are gone, our relationship is gone. I have to move on and leave everything behind me. 

I know one day I can sing this song to you and this is for you..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qcRGI0asKk

En Momentos de Duda

My usual Saturday start with usual routine. But this morning is different. I pretend I was happy. I pretend everything was ok. But I am not happy and not all are ok.

Akala ko, ok na ako. Akala ko na ok lang na maging manhid at isang tabi na lang ang lahat ng pangarap mo. May pagkakataon na dadating sa iyo ang panahon na mag iisip ka. Is it worth it? Is it worth to give up your dream sa lalaking alam mo na walang amour sa pangarap mo? Na oo, mahal ka niya pero sa totoo lang, hanggang doon lang iyon. 

Nalilito din ako, akala ko na ok lang iyon, na kaya kong ibigay lahat at wag isipin iyong gusto ko talaga sa buhay ko. Na basta masaya ako, magiging ok lahat.

Hindi pala, you will still come to that point that you will start to think. You will start to weigh in which is really most important to you - pero paano mo naman gagawin iyon? Based sa mag papaligaya sa iyo?

Akala ko noong una, magkaroon ng kasintahan ang magpapasaya sa iyo. Ang lalaking aalagaan ka, papaligayahin ka will be enough, but bakit ganoon? The moment you achieved that you will ask for more? Tama na lang ba na maging kuntento ka sa ganoong relasyon?

Ang hirap maging babae. You will bear everything. Mag dadalang tao for 9 months and bear all those paglilihi, menstruation and lot more. Bawal manligaw (based sa culture na kinalakihan ko), you are not to proposed to your BF - which is soooo wrong.

Ako, ang galing ko mag payo, pero sa sarili ko I can't even apply it. Yes, this is all about pouring my heartaches away. Hindi ako makuntento and I keep asking for more. 

I know ayaw niya ng pamilya at ayaw niya ng anak, na hinding hindi ako magiging misis nia. Which is my dream. I want to be A wife and a loving mum to a lovely children, but with him? It will never going to happen. Lahat iyon, I just swallowed and put everything at the deepest part of my brain. So i won't remember it. I won't think of my dream and It will not bother me at all.

Pero ngayong umaga, it just slip away. I was just too dumb to think everything about it. Na is it worth giving up your dream if you somehow knew that anytime soon, he can just walk out from your life forever? Na there is no security at all about what you have now with him?

Let me tell you something about him. He is a really good looking guy, very hot indeed. Happy person and jolly, tall and hunk. There will be no dull moment with him. I reckon i fall helplessly in love with him the moment I get to know how wonderful man he is, his family and friends. The downside is, ayaw niya ng pamilya, ng anak at ang pinaka sakit sa ulo - pagiging flirt niya sa halos lahat ng babae na umaaligid sa kanya. He's very accommodating specially sa mga babae. Which gives me so much pain in the ass. Or maybe, selosa lamang talaga ako. But whichever side he falls everyday, I always end up loving him still and end up thinking of every happy moments with him. Then last night again, usual thing happen. It then hit me na anytime, pwede niya ako iwan. Na anytime, the moment he have enough of me, he can just throw me like a hot rice that he puts in to his mouth and spit it away because he got burned.

Anyway I am giving myself another year. Another year to think this up. I am in the process of convincing myself that anytime he will leave me, and i will be again on my own. That whenever I reach to the point that I want something new to my life, fulfill my dream, I know he can't come with me and he will just let me go. I know it is coming soon. I need to be strong and prepare myself. I need to be just me and look things up optimistically. 

So wish me luck.

M

Note to Myself..

I am sad. And I don't know how to start. The fact that you know that impending doom is coming, makes me feel so edgy.

I want to cry, my heart beats erratically, in not so normal way. I do ask myself, is it really me? The difference of 2 people will not going to make it work at all. I am white you are black and if combine together blunt gray color will come out. I thought the differences spice up the relationship, it's just how you will gonna handle it.. Is it no?

What will happen to a couple being together..., perfectly together? Will they get bored with each other? Or will they be happy forever? Is there such thing as perfectly together?

I am not perfect. I have a lot of ups and down, looking back I can say that things are not perfect in my life. As much as you want to make it close to perfect, it's just doesn't feel right. I am hurting, hurting to the point of not thinking too well. Is this right or that is wrong? Should I go left or should I go right?

It's terrible to lose someone you love so deeply, but come to think of it, it's even worse to lose ourselves while loving them.

I feel like I'm hugging a cactus, the tighter I hold on, the more it hurts.
People say never give up, but sometimes giving up is the best option because you will eventually realize you're just wasting your time.

I need to do this.. I need to Respect myself, to love myself, enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves me or makes me happy.

When Should You Ask?

Sometimes silly things come to to your minds. Like for me? I have a lot of things running into my mind. I just don't know how to put it into words. Maybe you're thinking why I'm writing this.. I am thinking too why I'm typing now... Maybe because at the back of my mind, there is something I want to vent out. There is something I wanted to ask for a long period of time already. But I am too afraid that if I do that something will happen that you cannot take back those questions. Yeah. I know this is silly, to vent out here wherein no one know this site. No one knows that I am here typing pouring my hearts out.

I am sad yes,.. For so many reasons.. Well I have so many things that I should be happy about... I just cannot focus to that eh.. Sad but true....